Capacity:What I’m Learning to Build Instead of Certainty
For most of my life, I believed the goal was certainty. If I could just figure life out, understand the patterns, the systems, the rules, then I could finally relax. I could stop bracing. Stop scanning. Stop preparing for disappointment before it arrived.
Certainty felt like safety. Certainty felt like intelligence. Certainty felt like control over pain. What I didn’t understand then is that certainty was never something I was going to find. It was something I was trying to use to manage fear.
At 57, I’m finally admitting something that would have terrified me earlier in my life: I don’t know how this all turns out. And strangely, that admission hasn’t weakened me. It’s begun to steady me.
If not certainty, then what?
When I stopped chasing certainty, I expected anxiety to spike. I expected chaos. I expected to feel unanchored. That’s not what’s happening.
What is beginning to take its place isn’t another belief system, philosophy, or promise.
It is something much more grounded.
Capacity.
What I mean by capacity
When I say capacity, I’m not talking about strength, toughness, or grit.
I’m talking about the internal ability to stay present and respond honestly when life doesn’t cooperate with the plan. Capacity is the difference between needing certainty and being able to live without it.
It’s the capacity to:
remain grounded when outcomes are unclear
make decisions without knowing how everything will turn out
tolerate disappointment without collapsing or blaming
adjust when things change instead of trying to control them
repair when you’re wrong rather than defending your position
stay in relationship when it would be easier to withdraw
hold responsibility without shame
Capacity doesn’t guarantee success. It doesn’t prevent pain. It doesn’t make you immune to loss. What it does is give you room.
Room to choose.
Room to adapt.
Room to recover.
Room to keep going without needing certainty as permission.
What I was really chasing
For a long time, I thought I was chasing certainty so I could succeed. What I see now is that I was chasing certainty so I could feel safe.
Safe from being wrong.
Safe from being disappointed.
Safe from being a disappointment.
Safe from being abandoned.
Safe from wanting something that might not work out.
Certainty felt like rest. But in reality, it kept me hyper-vigilant. Always optimizing.
Always preparing. Always trying to outthink life before it could hurt me. That wasn’t peace. That was survival dressed up as intelligence.
The confidence I didn’t expect
Here’s the part that surprised me. As I stop organizing my life around certainty, I’m not becoming more anxious. I’m becoming steadier. Not because I suddenly know how things will turn out, but because I’m no longer pretending that knowing is required.
There’s a quiet confidence that comes from acknowledging uncertainty and being okay with it. Not the confidence that says, “I’ve got this figured out.” But the confidence that says, “I can handle whatever comes.”That confidence doesn’t come from prediction. It comes from self-trust.
From knowing I can:
adjust when things change
recover when I’m wrong
repair when I disappoint
stay present when outcomes aren’t guaranteed
That’s a very different kind of strength.
Why this matters
Most of us were taught, explicitly or implicitly, that confidence comes from having answers. I’m learning that real confidence comes from capacity.
The capacity to respond instead of control.
The capacity to stay when things get uncomfortable.
The capacity to keep choosing without guarantees.
For most of my life, I tried to build safety by eliminating uncertainty. What I’m learning now is that safety comes from knowing I can meet uncertainty without abandoning myself.
I just went about it the wrong way.
A final truth
I don’t promise certainty. I don’t offer formulas. I don’t claim this will work. All I’m saying is this: I’m done waiting for certainty to give me permission to live. Whatever comes next, I’ll meet it.
That’s not belief.
That’s not confidence.
That’s not a system.
Capacity is not how much you can endure.
Capacity is how much life you can hold without abandoning yourself.
That’s capacity. And that’s existence.
Matt Charette is an executive and integration coach.
He works with founders, leaders, and business owners who are successful on paper but exhausted by the pressure to always be certain, always be right, and always have the answer.
He doesn’t offer guarantees.
He doesn’t sell formulas.
He doesn’t promise outcomes.
What he does offer is a place to think clearly, tell the truth, and learn how to lead, build, and live without abandoning yourself in the process.
In other words, the work together focuses on building the essential capacities to:
· make decisions without needing certainty
· tolerate uncertainty without collapsing or over-controlling
· separate self-worth from outcomes and performance
· respond rather than react when things don’t go as planned
· repair relationships instead of managing perceptions
· use discipline and structure in service of life, not fear
· trust yourself to adapt, recover, and keep choosing
If this resonates, if you’re done chasing certainty and ready to take responsibility for choosing your life with integrity, you can learn more or reach out.
No pressure.
No pitch.
Just an invitation.